Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

What an awful time to have common sense.