Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Just organising my finances.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

why am I working on Labor Day

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.