Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

All. The. Damn. Time.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*