What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
You Might Also Like
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
All is fair in drunk and war.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Pringles
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.