Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Breaking news:

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.