Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”