Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Fries, not lies.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep