Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob