What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.