Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark