What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
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If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
girls literally only want one thing..
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.