What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Not even remotely sorry.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?