What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids