Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper