What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!![]()
You Might Also Like
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Cool shirt 🙂
![]()
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks