What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”![]()
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
This makes total sense…
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Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Never ghost your hitman.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket