What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
go easy on yourself <3
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”