Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

👍

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

I hope Alan is OK

Whoa 😂

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

This is Sparta

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*