Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

it must be school picture day

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

ㅤ

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

B

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay