What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[eulogy]
line?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…