What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
I need to get some bricks…
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Glasses
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.