Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

best review i’ve ever seen

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Had an epiphany today.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.