What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
O Wise One….
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there