What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Orange is oranging 🟠
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
One of the best
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.