What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
R.I.P.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.