Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

#CoronaOutbreak

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.