Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

bears

😅🤣😂

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?