Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂🖐️

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically