Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!