What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief