Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

peeping toms

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?