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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
per my last wtf
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”