[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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Many hands make light work
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Extremely relatable.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!