Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went from rags to one rag.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

why does this building look like a guilty dog

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?