“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer