“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park