What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
The first matador
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”