What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab