What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You Might Also Like
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
PLOT TWIST:
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine