What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
President The Rock Obama
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I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.