What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral