What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D