What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“I wouldn’t.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then