Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Happy Star Wars day!

Do one person every day that scares you.

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.