Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.