What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
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I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
getting old is fun
