Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.