What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
You Might Also Like
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
(more comics:
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁