What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.