Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Some people were born into their job.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.