Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

No Google it does not

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that