Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

⛄️

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: