What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
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him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
“you recording!?”
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.