Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.