What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
🤣🤣🤣
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy