What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Sorry not sorry.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.