What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.