What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]