What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
🤣🤣
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Milk Cube
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.