What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?