Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage