“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”

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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!


Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.


Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.


Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.


2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.


[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.



Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!


I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.