waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more