What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”