Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

this chia pet tastes awful

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.