Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.