What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way