Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in