What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it