What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*puts cutlery down*
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you