What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
crazy
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.