Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

How do you milk an almond?

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am