Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

ㅤ

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.