What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business