What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
😲 WTF? 😆
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”